I am still working on sending emails to college radio stations to try to get them to play our music. During this process, I came across the radio station from the college I attended. Boy, did that bring back the memories. Many of them were difficult to think about but some were thoughts of exciting, enjoyable times.
I never had even given thought to attending college; I missed 2 years of high school due to a broken leg that would not heal. So, I figured if I couldn't even go to high school, I certainly couldn't go to college. However, the homebound teacher I had knew of a college, one of only three in the country at that time, that was barrier free - every building and every part of the campus was accessible by wheelchair. Actually this teacher's brother attended this college, even though he had no physical problems.
That was back in the days when I was so shy and felt so badly about myself that I hardly even talked. I had friends, probably more from their initiative then mine, but I did have other people that I did things with and had fun with.
The worst part during those years, I think, was the internal pain I suffered. I had such low self-esteem and was so embarrassed by the way I looked, that I allowed myself to miss out on so much. There were quite a few handicapped students there during my four years; but they all seemed to deal with their handicaps better than I did. For the most part, I was less visibly handicapped - I walked with a limp but most of the others were in wheelchairs, many with no use of their arms or legs. And yet, I seemed to be the most "emotionally handicapped" by my appearance and limitations. My main wish or desire, at that time was to be "normal." Now, who knows what "normal" is, especially among college students in the late '60s. But I just wanted to be like everyone else - which in itself is abnormal thinking for a college student.
I let a lot of opportunities pass me by, opportunities which could have changed the entire rest of my life. But, I suppose things happen for a reason and there is no point in regretting the past. The valuable or profitable use of such memories is to learn from them so that these current years won't be full of the regrets of the past.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
This being the 5th anniversary of the terrorist attacks in NY, DC and PA, the news programs have been filled with retelling and reliving the horrible experiences of so many and the needless loss of so many lives. I suppose it is important to remember......no, I know it is important to remember an event like this, to remember the ones who died and the ones who worked so heroically to save others. But, I believe the media does go overboard with events of this and even lesser magnitude.
I think about the family and loved ones of people who lost their lives that day. I can't stand to watch all the video from the actual disaster or listen to the last words of the victims through radio or phone. I can't imagine how painful it must be for someone to watch or hear it who felt the impact of that horrible day on a personal level.
With all the disaster movies, horror films and the audiences they attract, I wonder what that says about people in today's society. Isn't there enough horror just in everyday living without wanting to watch it over and over again as entertainment?
It saddens and angers me when there is a terrible automobile accident on a highway and the traffic moving in the opposite direction backs up and gets tied up from onlookers in the other lanes. Are they hoping to see blood and gore? Are they merely curious?
I have experienced many losses and much grief in my lifetime. Anniversary dates of the losses are often still painful times for me. It may make me feel good that my family or friend meant enough to others that they also remember the anniversary of their death and tell me that they do. But, while it is important to recognize that this day changed life for this country and everyone in it, I think the media could do a better job of respecting the people who were affected by this day the most and allow them to grieve or get through this anniversary in the manner that is best for them.
I think about the family and loved ones of people who lost their lives that day. I can't stand to watch all the video from the actual disaster or listen to the last words of the victims through radio or phone. I can't imagine how painful it must be for someone to watch or hear it who felt the impact of that horrible day on a personal level.
With all the disaster movies, horror films and the audiences they attract, I wonder what that says about people in today's society. Isn't there enough horror just in everyday living without wanting to watch it over and over again as entertainment?
It saddens and angers me when there is a terrible automobile accident on a highway and the traffic moving in the opposite direction backs up and gets tied up from onlookers in the other lanes. Are they hoping to see blood and gore? Are they merely curious?
I have experienced many losses and much grief in my lifetime. Anniversary dates of the losses are often still painful times for me. It may make me feel good that my family or friend meant enough to others that they also remember the anniversary of their death and tell me that they do. But, while it is important to recognize that this day changed life for this country and everyone in it, I think the media could do a better job of respecting the people who were affected by this day the most and allow them to grieve or get through this anniversary in the manner that is best for them.
Friday, September 08, 2006
An old dog and new tricks
My partner in Music2Work2 was showing me another project he is working on and telling me how it will also bring about changes to our web site. It is amazing; I can't wait for it to be applied to Music2Work2.
I hope by the time the website has it's new look, I have my new abilities to post blogs that will encourage other people to visit the site. There is so much of the technical stuff I don't know. It has only been a few years since I learned how to actually do things other than use the computer as a word processor. Thanks to my dear friend and now partner in this venture, I learned to add pages to web sites, learned some html language - - things 5 or 6 years ago I never imagined I would be able to do.
I am very fortunate that he is a patient teacher. At 58 years old, to now be learning to upload clips on music sites, to burn CDs, to make the cover and label for the CDs, is not the typical learning activities of the average person my age. Most younger people have been using computers for years and know the "language" and are up on the latest technology. So much of all this is still so foreign to me! The people my age who know all this, more than likely learned it long ago; they didn't wait until this stage of their lives to have to try to learn and catch up on it.
I do consider it quite an accomplishment to have learned as much about the computer, Internet usage, digital music technology and online business as I have. The adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" could be pretty applicable in my case in a lot of ways. My memory is not very good anymore, so it takes me longer to learn things. And that dear old companion, "fear," makes it so much harder. But, I know that when I really want to do something, there is a stubbornness about me that makes me keep trying - determined that this old dog will learn something new.
I developed a stubbornness as I was growing up when people told me I couldn't do something - that because of my physical condition and limitations, I wasn't able to do things. When told that, I was more determined than ever to prove them wrong.
Although stubbornness has been an advantage for me in a lot of ways, it has been a hindrance in so many others. For example, I walked on crutches far too many years and destroyed my shoulder joints because I was too stubborn to give in or give up and use a wheelchair. Now I am paying the price with more severe pain.
But without being tenacious and stubborn, I would never have gone to college or graduate school; I would never have traveled to places around the country by myself; I would never have gotten involved in the organization in which I met my partner in Music2Work2; and I would not be learning more and more about computers, online business and digital music technology. In those ways, it has served me well. After all, wouldn't you expect stubbornness from a Taurus!
I hope by the time the website has it's new look, I have my new abilities to post blogs that will encourage other people to visit the site. There is so much of the technical stuff I don't know. It has only been a few years since I learned how to actually do things other than use the computer as a word processor. Thanks to my dear friend and now partner in this venture, I learned to add pages to web sites, learned some html language - - things 5 or 6 years ago I never imagined I would be able to do.
I am very fortunate that he is a patient teacher. At 58 years old, to now be learning to upload clips on music sites, to burn CDs, to make the cover and label for the CDs, is not the typical learning activities of the average person my age. Most younger people have been using computers for years and know the "language" and are up on the latest technology. So much of all this is still so foreign to me! The people my age who know all this, more than likely learned it long ago; they didn't wait until this stage of their lives to have to try to learn and catch up on it.
I do consider it quite an accomplishment to have learned as much about the computer, Internet usage, digital music technology and online business as I have. The adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" could be pretty applicable in my case in a lot of ways. My memory is not very good anymore, so it takes me longer to learn things. And that dear old companion, "fear," makes it so much harder. But, I know that when I really want to do something, there is a stubbornness about me that makes me keep trying - determined that this old dog will learn something new.
I developed a stubbornness as I was growing up when people told me I couldn't do something - that because of my physical condition and limitations, I wasn't able to do things. When told that, I was more determined than ever to prove them wrong.
Although stubbornness has been an advantage for me in a lot of ways, it has been a hindrance in so many others. For example, I walked on crutches far too many years and destroyed my shoulder joints because I was too stubborn to give in or give up and use a wheelchair. Now I am paying the price with more severe pain.
But without being tenacious and stubborn, I would never have gone to college or graduate school; I would never have traveled to places around the country by myself; I would never have gotten involved in the organization in which I met my partner in Music2Work2; and I would not be learning more and more about computers, online business and digital music technology. In those ways, it has served me well. After all, wouldn't you expect stubbornness from a Taurus!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
So much despair......
Well, again I'm about to let the day end without having written anything. Today has been a very frustrating day!
I have spent most of the day on the telephone. Some days, mostly on weekends, the phone doesn't ring once. Today, I hardly had a chance to hang up before it rang again. In the other volunteer work I do, people wanting information is just part of the job. I don't mind answering their questions when I can and many of them are very interesting to talk to.
Unfortunately, most everyone else who has this disorder I do, has problems on top of problems. Some of the situations are so horrible it nearly breaks my heart to hear the experiences and situations they have been through. My life has been bad in a lot of ways, but talking to some of these people, I realize how very lucky I am.
Yesterday and today so many of the phone calls have just been people needing someone to talk to - to vent to. I can certainly understand the need for that; goodness knows I have vented to my friend and partner often enough. But, it is the ones who keep asking "why?" that are the most taxing for me. I've gone through some of that myself, wondering why my life has been one of pain and frustrations, limitations and loneliness. But to have others, in great despair, ask me over and over for hours on the phone, why people don't understand their conditions, why the health care system is so messed up in this country, why doctors won't listen to them, why, why, why..............exhaustes me both physically and emotionally. I wish I had answers for the "whys" and I wish I could do something to make things better for them. But all I can do is listen and sympathize.
It probably sounds mean and uncaring to admit that a day of that kind of phone calls takes such a toll on me. I'm not uncaring........maybe I care too much. I can identify with a lot of their anguish, so it angers me and frustrates me that situations for people with this disorder is like it is. It is probably also good for me in that it does make me appreciate the life I had growing up and the one I have today. My childhood was far from perfect, but I at least had loving parents who did the best they could to take care of their child with the strange medical problems. I have a roof over my head and certainly more food than I need. I have friends that care about me, family members to help me when I need it.
I am sad and exhausted from the phone calls and despair of people I have talked to, but at the same time, I feel very fortunate to have the life I have.
I have spent most of the day on the telephone. Some days, mostly on weekends, the phone doesn't ring once. Today, I hardly had a chance to hang up before it rang again. In the other volunteer work I do, people wanting information is just part of the job. I don't mind answering their questions when I can and many of them are very interesting to talk to.
Unfortunately, most everyone else who has this disorder I do, has problems on top of problems. Some of the situations are so horrible it nearly breaks my heart to hear the experiences and situations they have been through. My life has been bad in a lot of ways, but talking to some of these people, I realize how very lucky I am.
Yesterday and today so many of the phone calls have just been people needing someone to talk to - to vent to. I can certainly understand the need for that; goodness knows I have vented to my friend and partner often enough. But, it is the ones who keep asking "why?" that are the most taxing for me. I've gone through some of that myself, wondering why my life has been one of pain and frustrations, limitations and loneliness. But to have others, in great despair, ask me over and over for hours on the phone, why people don't understand their conditions, why the health care system is so messed up in this country, why doctors won't listen to them, why, why, why..............exhaustes me both physically and emotionally. I wish I had answers for the "whys" and I wish I could do something to make things better for them. But all I can do is listen and sympathize.
It probably sounds mean and uncaring to admit that a day of that kind of phone calls takes such a toll on me. I'm not uncaring........maybe I care too much. I can identify with a lot of their anguish, so it angers me and frustrates me that situations for people with this disorder is like it is. It is probably also good for me in that it does make me appreciate the life I had growing up and the one I have today. My childhood was far from perfect, but I at least had loving parents who did the best they could to take care of their child with the strange medical problems. I have a roof over my head and certainly more food than I need. I have friends that care about me, family members to help me when I need it.
I am sad and exhausted from the phone calls and despair of people I have talked to, but at the same time, I feel very fortunate to have the life I have.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Creativity
I have been listening to some new music composed by my partner in Music2Work2. I have practically worn out the cds of his music that I have had for a while. Such beautiful music!
It is totally amazing to me how someone is able to have the creative ability to go through the same process over and over and have the results come out differently. The notes or keys to be played are the same every time, and I know they are not played in the same order or at the same tempo, but how is the sound, the feeling, the mood, different each time.
I've never tried to compose music but I think if I came up with an original melody that would be all I could think of every time I attempted to compose something else. Kind of like when a song gets stuck in your head and for the rest of the day, that's all you think of or hear!
This exercise in writing is an attempt to enable me to be more creative. I don't have new and different ideas. I have never been able to easily come up with solutions to problems or situations. I spent months thinking of all the problems I would encounter when I had to start using a wheelchair - how would I go out a door and be able to close it behind me? How would I be able to walk the dog? How would I be able to cook my meals? I could think of a million problems but not the solutions. I only knew how to do things the way I had always done them and the way I saw others do them - the normal, acceptable way.
Thank goodness I had people around me to help with the solutions. In most cases, left on my own to figure those kinds of things out, I would probably had spent the rest of my life inside my house being miserable and hating the world!
I have been reading about developing creativity. Most of the time I feel like I have never had an original thought in my life. I saw a quote again tonight that I'm sure explains the major part of my problem, "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail."
Throughout my life, my actions and my thinking have been determined by my fear of failure. I have been afraid of looking foolish, or sounding stupid, so I haven't allowed myself to be original or even have original thoughts. The fear that whatever came out of me would not be acceptable to everyone else has prevented my willingness to try. So risking failure, even though a terrifying thing, is something I realize that I am going to have to do in situations other than just writing this blog. But, this is a beginning.
It is totally amazing to me how someone is able to have the creative ability to go through the same process over and over and have the results come out differently. The notes or keys to be played are the same every time, and I know they are not played in the same order or at the same tempo, but how is the sound, the feeling, the mood, different each time.
I've never tried to compose music but I think if I came up with an original melody that would be all I could think of every time I attempted to compose something else. Kind of like when a song gets stuck in your head and for the rest of the day, that's all you think of or hear!
This exercise in writing is an attempt to enable me to be more creative. I don't have new and different ideas. I have never been able to easily come up with solutions to problems or situations. I spent months thinking of all the problems I would encounter when I had to start using a wheelchair - how would I go out a door and be able to close it behind me? How would I be able to walk the dog? How would I be able to cook my meals? I could think of a million problems but not the solutions. I only knew how to do things the way I had always done them and the way I saw others do them - the normal, acceptable way.
Thank goodness I had people around me to help with the solutions. In most cases, left on my own to figure those kinds of things out, I would probably had spent the rest of my life inside my house being miserable and hating the world!
I have been reading about developing creativity. Most of the time I feel like I have never had an original thought in my life. I saw a quote again tonight that I'm sure explains the major part of my problem, "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail."
Throughout my life, my actions and my thinking have been determined by my fear of failure. I have been afraid of looking foolish, or sounding stupid, so I haven't allowed myself to be original or even have original thoughts. The fear that whatever came out of me would not be acceptable to everyone else has prevented my willingness to try. So risking failure, even though a terrifying thing, is something I realize that I am going to have to do in situations other than just writing this blog. But, this is a beginning.
Partners are a wonderful.....
Having a partner is definitely a wonderful thing – there are of course many different types of “Partner“ and I am grateful to have one in this endeavor.
At a recent songwriting session in San Clemente, we were discussing the concept of courage, and as far as I understand it – it is the act of doing something, even though you are afraid.
It’s 1:17 in the morning, and I can’t sleep – I didn’t sleep at all last night either. It’s an old trick I use, and I wish I didn’t. There are a billion things running around my head that are stopping me from sleeping – which sucks, because the next day…I’m tired and less able to deal with the things that are keeping me awake...and so the cycle continues.
I’m listening to the development of Wendi’s original theme – hadn’t played it in a long time – I’m feeling very good about the direction Music2Work2 is moving in. The music is coming along and I am beginning to develop old themes on the Triton – they are coming off very fresh. I am looking forward to multi-tracking – but I took the decision not to upgrade the computer until the Kelli site is launched. I also had a chat today with somebody who recommended I move to Midi – and I completely agree – but I have this “thing” about manuals and technology.
I absolutely admit that I find the whole thing about wave forms, midi channels, and sends and feeds – alarmingly scary – and yet I know I just have to bloody do it – and – all I have to do is just bloody do it – I don’t know what is stopping me – at least, what is stopping me from preparing for it…?
I look at my friend, and she is doing something that she hates doing – and that gives me courage. She is doing it, not shirking it, not coming up with excuses, but actually doing it, I take strength and indeed courage from that.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Writing against the clock!
I've almost let the day go by and haven't written anything yet. I wish I could think of something really interesting to write or something that is amusing or entertaining. But...........unfortunately I don't have that ability.....yet. It would be nice if doing this makes that possible.
In trying to get some of the "legalities" taken care of for Music2Work2, the thing that strikes me most is how unnecessarily difficult agreements and contracts are. It is amazing that all the legal paperwork required in society these days is ever completed properly. I sometimes think the IRS, for instance, makes tax forms and laws as confusing as possible. I don't know if they assume they will come out "to the good" because of it or just what the reasoning is.
Often it is difficult to know which of several different forms is the proper one to use in doing some of this stuff and actually, there is hardly any difference in the forms to start with. For the Copyright registration, not only could it possibly be either of two forms that were correct, but there were also instructions that had to be followed as to how the pages were copied - back to back, top to top.
Life itself is confusing enough without instructions and directions for filing forms, installing a computer program or putting together some "unassembled" item being impossible to understand. Maybe it's just all the brain cells I've lost over the years to anesthesia and medication that makes this kind of thing so difficult for me. Maybe other people don't find it a problem!
Almost made it before the clock struck midnight. Now I guess I'll have to write two times on Wednesday............joy, joy!
In trying to get some of the "legalities" taken care of for Music2Work2, the thing that strikes me most is how unnecessarily difficult agreements and contracts are. It is amazing that all the legal paperwork required in society these days is ever completed properly. I sometimes think the IRS, for instance, makes tax forms and laws as confusing as possible. I don't know if they assume they will come out "to the good" because of it or just what the reasoning is.
Often it is difficult to know which of several different forms is the proper one to use in doing some of this stuff and actually, there is hardly any difference in the forms to start with. For the Copyright registration, not only could it possibly be either of two forms that were correct, but there were also instructions that had to be followed as to how the pages were copied - back to back, top to top.
Life itself is confusing enough without instructions and directions for filing forms, installing a computer program or putting together some "unassembled" item being impossible to understand. Maybe it's just all the brain cells I've lost over the years to anesthesia and medication that makes this kind of thing so difficult for me. Maybe other people don't find it a problem!
Almost made it before the clock struck midnight. Now I guess I'll have to write two times on Wednesday............joy, joy!
Monday, September 04, 2006
Finding the joy
After hearing about the death of the "Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin, I have thought a lot about how he seemed to love life - to be so excited about life. He may not have actually been as enthusiastic about life as he appeared to be, but everything seemed to be an adventure and it appeared he lived life to the fullest.
I wish I had some of the exuberance for life that he seemed to have. A big part of my life I see as just drudgery - just something I have to get through. I wish I could approach each day with a sense of adventure, with the desire to make the most of every minute, to learn and experience new things, to experience life as joy.
Probably because of my medical problems, it has been difficult for me to see life as an adventure. It has been more of a sense of dread, of wondering what bad thing is going to happen next. I have never been an optimistic person. I think it was a way of protecting myself to never expect too much good to happen. At least if you don't have high expectations, you can't be too disappointed when things go badly. What an awful way to live your life!
I have had times of joy in my life but as a whole, the pain outweighs the joy. I have an awful lot to be thankful for and I realize that. I just wish life seemed more exciting to me than it does most of the time. With more than half my life over, if I am going to find the joy and adventure in life it has to be soon. I don't want to fight crocodiles but I would just like to stop fighting myself. I am stuck too deeply in reality and in fear to allow myself to look for adventure, to risk experiencing the joy.
Becoming involved in this music venture has been like taking a baby step in that direction. Occasionally I even allow myself a glimpse of the adventure my life could be. I just have to keep taking those baby steps, I suppose, until I am able to run or rather roll full-steam ahead to find the adventures and the joy. I have to stop being afraid to even risk seeing my life differently and to allow myself to hope for it. Fear is a very powerful thing! Fear in one form or another has been my companion throughout my existence. Some of the causes of fear have changed over time, others have remained constant. Those are the most powerful and most destructive ones.
I wish I had some of the exuberance for life that he seemed to have. A big part of my life I see as just drudgery - just something I have to get through. I wish I could approach each day with a sense of adventure, with the desire to make the most of every minute, to learn and experience new things, to experience life as joy.
Probably because of my medical problems, it has been difficult for me to see life as an adventure. It has been more of a sense of dread, of wondering what bad thing is going to happen next. I have never been an optimistic person. I think it was a way of protecting myself to never expect too much good to happen. At least if you don't have high expectations, you can't be too disappointed when things go badly. What an awful way to live your life!
I have had times of joy in my life but as a whole, the pain outweighs the joy. I have an awful lot to be thankful for and I realize that. I just wish life seemed more exciting to me than it does most of the time. With more than half my life over, if I am going to find the joy and adventure in life it has to be soon. I don't want to fight crocodiles but I would just like to stop fighting myself. I am stuck too deeply in reality and in fear to allow myself to look for adventure, to risk experiencing the joy.
Becoming involved in this music venture has been like taking a baby step in that direction. Occasionally I even allow myself a glimpse of the adventure my life could be. I just have to keep taking those baby steps, I suppose, until I am able to run or rather roll full-steam ahead to find the adventures and the joy. I have to stop being afraid to even risk seeing my life differently and to allow myself to hope for it. Fear is a very powerful thing! Fear in one form or another has been my companion throughout my existence. Some of the causes of fear have changed over time, others have remained constant. Those are the most powerful and most destructive ones.
Friday, September 01, 2006
I have put off doing this all day - I don't have anything to say. It was so tempting to just "skip" today but I was afraid, like I was told, that skipping one day becomes two, then three, a week and then it stops completely.
This is our third day of rain from the hurricane. As badly as the rain is needed by the lawns, gardens, flowers.......it doesn't help me or my mood at all. Rainy days depress me; rainy days intensify my pain which depresses me. This time of year it makes me think about and dread the days of winter that are not so far around the corner. We don't actually seem to have seasons anymore - - we go from burning hot weather to freezing cold. It is a little easier to adjust to if you can "ease into it" with the crisp, cool weather of fall and the bright, chilly weather of spring. But it has actually been years since we have experienced 4 distinct seasons here.
September and October are sad months for me. Some of the major losses I have experienced have occured in those two months. My father died in September; gosh, that was so many years ago - - 24! And, my sister was killed by a drunk driver on Halloween, even longer ago than that - 42 years ago. Funny how memories like that stay so clear in your mind for all these years. I wish I could remember things I read, heard or did yesterday half as well as I do those two events. Although the feelings associated with the memories have become different over the years, I guess the memories are burned into your life to the point that they are there forever.
Well, not three pages, but this will have to do. At least it's something - - such as it is, it's something!
This is our third day of rain from the hurricane. As badly as the rain is needed by the lawns, gardens, flowers.......it doesn't help me or my mood at all. Rainy days depress me; rainy days intensify my pain which depresses me. This time of year it makes me think about and dread the days of winter that are not so far around the corner. We don't actually seem to have seasons anymore - - we go from burning hot weather to freezing cold. It is a little easier to adjust to if you can "ease into it" with the crisp, cool weather of fall and the bright, chilly weather of spring. But it has actually been years since we have experienced 4 distinct seasons here.
September and October are sad months for me. Some of the major losses I have experienced have occured in those two months. My father died in September; gosh, that was so many years ago - - 24! And, my sister was killed by a drunk driver on Halloween, even longer ago than that - 42 years ago. Funny how memories like that stay so clear in your mind for all these years. I wish I could remember things I read, heard or did yesterday half as well as I do those two events. Although the feelings associated with the memories have become different over the years, I guess the memories are burned into your life to the point that they are there forever.
Well, not three pages, but this will have to do. At least it's something - - such as it is, it's something!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Frustration
I guess I hold other people at too high a standard; I really don't expect more out of anyone else than I do from myself. But, I am constantly frustrated and disappointed. People make commitments - -knowing full-well what they are committing to do, and then don't follow through. I know there are times I am not able to do what I say I will, but if I make a commitment, I really do try to carry it out. If for some reason I can't, I feel so guilty about it I can hardly stand it until I've done it.
In an organization in which I volunteer, the disappointment and frustration is practically a daily occurence. Reports were due from other volunteers a month ago. Although most of them did turn in the reports - some late but not too late - some I have just heard nothing from. The reports are not a new thing; it's not like they haven't been having to do them for years now, but some people just seem to ignore the fact that they are required.
Sometimes I think I wish I could be so care-free - not caring about what I do or say I will do --- never worrying about it or caring if I let someone down. I wonder how it would feel to be able to do only what I want to do, to not care what others think about me or the fact that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to do. I wonder how it would feel to do nothing but what is fun and enjoyable for me. Other people seem to live that way - - why can't I?
I guess I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. I cared too much that they stared at me because I look different; I cared too much that they saw that I couldn't do some things that others can. I let that make me so miserable and shy and afraid. So, I tried to be perfect in what I could do, doing what was expected of me, what would be satisfying to other people and let other people dictate what that was.
I don't allow others to decide things for me as much as I did, but I still allow what others expect of me and think about me to have too much power. That is part of what makes doing these blogs so hard. What would anyone reading this think of me - - if they knew that sometimes I want to be irresponsible, or worse.
Just occured to me that I am writing this because I made a committment to do it, so in a way, I guess I'm still letting someone else tell me what I should do. But this is different. I am doing this because I said I would, but I said I would because I want the change that is supposed to come from it. I want to be a better contributor to the success of Music2Work2. I want it to be a success........such a success that I will eventually be able to live that life of doing what I want to do and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Such a success that desires and wishes - for a swimming pool, a grand piano, a home overlooking the ocean, a new life, a wheelchair that climbs stairs - can come true. My commitment to this is actually a selfish act....but also an act of caring and I hope of giving.
In an organization in which I volunteer, the disappointment and frustration is practically a daily occurence. Reports were due from other volunteers a month ago. Although most of them did turn in the reports - some late but not too late - some I have just heard nothing from. The reports are not a new thing; it's not like they haven't been having to do them for years now, but some people just seem to ignore the fact that they are required.
Sometimes I think I wish I could be so care-free - not caring about what I do or say I will do --- never worrying about it or caring if I let someone down. I wonder how it would feel to be able to do only what I want to do, to not care what others think about me or the fact that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to do. I wonder how it would feel to do nothing but what is fun and enjoyable for me. Other people seem to live that way - - why can't I?
I guess I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. I cared too much that they stared at me because I look different; I cared too much that they saw that I couldn't do some things that others can. I let that make me so miserable and shy and afraid. So, I tried to be perfect in what I could do, doing what was expected of me, what would be satisfying to other people and let other people dictate what that was.
I don't allow others to decide things for me as much as I did, but I still allow what others expect of me and think about me to have too much power. That is part of what makes doing these blogs so hard. What would anyone reading this think of me - - if they knew that sometimes I want to be irresponsible, or worse.
Just occured to me that I am writing this because I made a committment to do it, so in a way, I guess I'm still letting someone else tell me what I should do. But this is different. I am doing this because I said I would, but I said I would because I want the change that is supposed to come from it. I want to be a better contributor to the success of Music2Work2. I want it to be a success........such a success that I will eventually be able to live that life of doing what I want to do and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Such a success that desires and wishes - for a swimming pool, a grand piano, a home overlooking the ocean, a new life, a wheelchair that climbs stairs - can come true. My commitment to this is actually a selfish act....but also an act of caring and I hope of giving.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Try again.
What a terrible night I had! The extra pain and the fact that I couldn't "turn off" my mind, made it impossible for me to sleep. I never sleep very well, but usually I just use the time to work at the computer. Sitting being more painful, last night I couldn't even do that.
It is a sad and lonely feeling being awake while you know most everyone else is sleeping - getting the rest that you will need so badly the next day. Something about the darkness and the quietness of night makes you feel so alone.
My mind kept jumping from one thing to another - things I need to do, things I want to do, things I would like to do but for one reason or another can't. When there is nothing in particular occupying my mind, I think of all the regrets I have. I wasted such a major portion of my life not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I disliked who I "thought" I was so much that instead of doing what I could, although limited, I did nothing. Living with EDS, not even knowing that was what was causing all my medical problems, had such a detrimental effect on me and my feelings about myself.
When I lie awake at night, for some reason the most difficult times are the ones that I keep going over and over in my mind. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the things I have again, but if I could get some of those years back I would do things so differently. At least I think I would, I hope I would.
Having been so afraid that I was going to have to have surgery again, I guess has made all this kind of thing foremost in my mind. Thank goodness it now looks less like that will have to happen. I don't know how I could physically or mentally handle having to go through more surgery. I don't know how may operations I have had - many, many years ago I stopped counting.......it was 25 then. It was too depressing to keep count of the number. I should be sleeping well and feeling well knowing that surgery is less of a possibility now. It is not ruled out completely; if I don't get better in a few weeks, I'll have to see the doctor again, but at least my mind is relieved for the moment.
So, I need to try to stop worrying about that now; there are plenty of other things to worry about. I need to make the best use of the time I have right now..........it's this stinking pain that prevents it.
I hate having to write something on here, but I said I would and I'll keep trying. It's like taking nasty-tasting medicine or doing something very unpleasant.....I wanted to get it over with for the day as soon as possible. I just hope forcing myself to do this will work the way it is supposed to - - - I'm counting on it!!!!!
It is a sad and lonely feeling being awake while you know most everyone else is sleeping - getting the rest that you will need so badly the next day. Something about the darkness and the quietness of night makes you feel so alone.
My mind kept jumping from one thing to another - things I need to do, things I want to do, things I would like to do but for one reason or another can't. When there is nothing in particular occupying my mind, I think of all the regrets I have. I wasted such a major portion of my life not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I disliked who I "thought" I was so much that instead of doing what I could, although limited, I did nothing. Living with EDS, not even knowing that was what was causing all my medical problems, had such a detrimental effect on me and my feelings about myself.
When I lie awake at night, for some reason the most difficult times are the ones that I keep going over and over in my mind. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the things I have again, but if I could get some of those years back I would do things so differently. At least I think I would, I hope I would.
Having been so afraid that I was going to have to have surgery again, I guess has made all this kind of thing foremost in my mind. Thank goodness it now looks less like that will have to happen. I don't know how I could physically or mentally handle having to go through more surgery. I don't know how may operations I have had - many, many years ago I stopped counting.......it was 25 then. It was too depressing to keep count of the number. I should be sleeping well and feeling well knowing that surgery is less of a possibility now. It is not ruled out completely; if I don't get better in a few weeks, I'll have to see the doctor again, but at least my mind is relieved for the moment.
So, I need to try to stop worrying about that now; there are plenty of other things to worry about. I need to make the best use of the time I have right now..........it's this stinking pain that prevents it.
I hate having to write something on here, but I said I would and I'll keep trying. It's like taking nasty-tasting medicine or doing something very unpleasant.....I wanted to get it over with for the day as soon as possible. I just hope forcing myself to do this will work the way it is supposed to - - - I'm counting on it!!!!!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Okay, A, this is for you!
I had a long talk with a friend earlier today reminding me how important blogging is in the popularity of a web site. I know that; I just do not like to write. I don't like to try to put words down on paper - or screen, as it is.
Most of my early life, I didn't even talk much. I was so extremely shy that I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I certainly didn't speak up in school. For a lot of different reasons, over the years I was able to change that. It's almost like once I started talking it's now hard to shut me up! I still have trouble expressing feelings to most people but I can talk all day about some subjects.
I have a fear or trepidation about revealing thoughts and feelings that someone will later read. I have never been able to journal because of that. I think about what the person, family member, whomever, would think to find a journal and read what I had written - even after I'm no longer on this earth. There are just too many things about myself that I wouldn't want to share with another person.
Part of the problem with writing is that I don't feel that I have anything to say that would be of interest to another person. I have had a very unusual life and people have said to me that I should write a book. How ridiculous.......why would anybody want to read about all the awful things I have been through in my life time? Except for the horrible parts, nothing else about it has even been interesting.
I'm not an expert on anything and I know less about everything now than I did years ago. I want to be a significant partner in Music2Work2 but if that depends on being able to write blogs that will draw people to our web site, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. Maybe, like I am told, it will get easier. Maybe, like talking, I'll someday get to the point that it's hard to stop me from writing - to shut me up. Right now, though, I can't imagine that happening. But, I'll keep trying. I'll keep typing with fear and trepidation...........because it is important that I be able to write.
Most of my early life, I didn't even talk much. I was so extremely shy that I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I certainly didn't speak up in school. For a lot of different reasons, over the years I was able to change that. It's almost like once I started talking it's now hard to shut me up! I still have trouble expressing feelings to most people but I can talk all day about some subjects.
I have a fear or trepidation about revealing thoughts and feelings that someone will later read. I have never been able to journal because of that. I think about what the person, family member, whomever, would think to find a journal and read what I had written - even after I'm no longer on this earth. There are just too many things about myself that I wouldn't want to share with another person.
Part of the problem with writing is that I don't feel that I have anything to say that would be of interest to another person. I have had a very unusual life and people have said to me that I should write a book. How ridiculous.......why would anybody want to read about all the awful things I have been through in my life time? Except for the horrible parts, nothing else about it has even been interesting.
I'm not an expert on anything and I know less about everything now than I did years ago. I want to be a significant partner in Music2Work2 but if that depends on being able to write blogs that will draw people to our web site, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. Maybe, like I am told, it will get easier. Maybe, like talking, I'll someday get to the point that it's hard to stop me from writing - to shut me up. Right now, though, I can't imagine that happening. But, I'll keep trying. I'll keep typing with fear and trepidation...........because it is important that I be able to write.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Contacting College Radio continues
Continuing with the task of contacting College Radio Stations and sending out demo CDs of Music 2 Work 2. It's exciting to think about hearing our music played on radio stations all across the country.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Marketing to College Radio Stations
Currently, I am focusing on sending emails to college radio stations to introduce Music2Work2 and offer to send a CD. I had no idea there were so many college radio stations!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Technical problem solved
Just as an update -
after a short period of technical problems preventing the purchase of Music 2 Work 2 sessions on our website, they are again available. Free music to listen to and download have remained available on Music2Work2.com, but once again the longer music sessions can be purchased. Guess a technical problem now and then, while frustrating, is inevitable.
after a short period of technical problems preventing the purchase of Music 2 Work 2 sessions on our website, they are again available. Free music to listen to and download have remained available on Music2Work2.com, but once again the longer music sessions can be purchased. Guess a technical problem now and then, while frustrating, is inevitable.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Back.....finally!
After a long break due to other obligations, I am back to write about the marketing of Music 2 Work 2. com. The focus at the moment is to check out Internet radio stations and send demo CDs to ones on which Music 2 Work 2 music sessions would be appropriate additions. The hard part is waiting for a response to hear if our music will be aired.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Time For A Change
Well - the Music2Work2 Blog has been up for a while now as we record how we get this "ball" rolling. Well - after a few months of taking one approach its time for a change. There is an old expression - if it ain't broke don't fix it - well - it's broke - or at least - it isn't working.
Both Charlotte and I believe in the music - and we have received great feedback - but we are not generating the visitors, the members and certianly not the sales - lets break this down a little:
1/ - The overall concept of Music 2 Work 2 - it makes sense - there is evidence to back it up - but people are jut not using the site for it...so - we have our marketing wrong - i.e. - the message is either not getting out there - people are not understanding or believing the message - people are not experiencing the message
2/ - The site layout doesn't cater to the passer by - we need to get music streaming immediately off the home page - this will come in the next few weeks - but we need a much cleaner home page that plays the music and gets across the core message - the current home page needs to be the drop page - more on that later
Finally - this is something that I will continue to develop and push for the rest of my life. It is the music that naturally flows out of me and that I love and enjoy writing and playing. I think the business idea is sound, just got the execution wrong - but hey - I've learned that if you can't see your mistakes and learn from them - ...well...
keep your eyes out on the music2work2.com website over the next month to see the changes
Andrew
July 25, 2006
Both Charlotte and I believe in the music - and we have received great feedback - but we are not generating the visitors, the members and certianly not the sales - lets break this down a little:
1/ - The overall concept of Music 2 Work 2 - it makes sense - there is evidence to back it up - but people are jut not using the site for it...so - we have our marketing wrong - i.e. - the message is either not getting out there - people are not understanding or believing the message - people are not experiencing the message
2/ - The site layout doesn't cater to the passer by - we need to get music streaming immediately off the home page - this will come in the next few weeks - but we need a much cleaner home page that plays the music and gets across the core message - the current home page needs to be the drop page - more on that later
Finally - this is something that I will continue to develop and push for the rest of my life. It is the music that naturally flows out of me and that I love and enjoy writing and playing. I think the business idea is sound, just got the execution wrong - but hey - I've learned that if you can't see your mistakes and learn from them - ...well...
keep your eyes out on the music2work2.com website over the next month to see the changes
Andrew
July 25, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
More Marketing of Music 2 Work 2
Continuing to search for music websites on which I can upload some of the music of Music 2 Work 2. The more exposure, the better! Other responsibilities are preventing me from being able to spend as much time on this at the moment as I would like to be, but, that should change soon.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Music 2 Work 2 CD
I finally finished making the demo CD for Music 2 Work 2 !! Having never burned a CD or attempted to design cover and label, it is a pretty good accomplishment for me. And, my partner in Music 2 Work 2 likes it.......so I'm stoked, to borrow one of his terms. Now just have to get them sent out and see what happens!!
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