Friday, September 29, 2006

It's getting cold

The weather has taken a drastic change here over the past few days. It seems like we went from 98 degree weather to 45 degrees all of a sudden. No longer are just the nights cool; it's "sweater weather" in the middle of the day and even colder at night..

I really dread the thoughts of cold, icy weather. Not only am I unable to get out in weather like that, but the dreary, grey days are depressing. I have plenty of things I can do working on M2W2, cleaning out drawers and closets that are long overdue for it, but when my mood is as grey as the days, I don't have motivation to do much of anything.

The doctor thinks I may have seasonal affective disorder, although it is hard to tell since I am bothered by depression year round. My symptoms do seem to get worse in the winter, when the weather is bad and gloomy.

Maybe this year with M2W2 to keep me busy, I won't experience as much of that as usual. The cold and dampness makes my pain much worse - - that's why I've got to get to a different environment. Not this winter, but fingers crossed that I won't have to spend too many more in this part of the country where the winters take such a toll on my body and my mind.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Pets are such wonderful things to have - they love you no matter what your mood; they want only to please you and receive your attention and love. My dog is my companion through the bad times and the good. We moan and groan together when the weather makes our arthritis pain worse. We relax together listening to beautiful, soothing music - she is a great music fan.

The very sad thing to me is that as she gets older and more frail, many of the routines that had developed as much from her intuition as from me, she has forgotten. The routine to make it possible for me to let her outside without struggles and a great deal of manuevering on both our parts, seems to no longer be a part of her memory. Trying to remind and urge her to do those things now just confuse and frustrate her.

I got my wonderful dog after a worker in the vet's office that cared for my other dog, whom I had for 18 years, found her after she had been hit by a car. She had been someone's pet because she was housebroken and trained, but she had gotten her leg caught in a trap of some kind. Apparently she got her leg out of the trap herself and wandered around for more than a week with it mangled and broken. Then, she was hit by the car.

The assistant in the vets office found her and took her back to their office where they removed her mangled leg and repaired her injuries from the automobile with surgery. When she was well enough to leave the veterinarians office, unable to find her previous owner, they called me. Knowing my dog was old and ill, they urged me to adopt this one to help me through the inevitable loss of my older dog.

Cassie has been a wonderful pet and companion. We have gone through a tremendous amount together - loss of the other dog, loss of a dear friend, loss of my mother, loss of my mobility. She has remained a loving, sweet animal in spite of the horror and pain she has endured in her lifetime. When I had to go from using the crutches to the wheelchair, it never even phased her. She was never afraid of it and somehow just seemed to know what she needed to do to make it easier for me to care for her in this situation.

At the time I got her, I was using crutches to walk. My mother made the comment to the vet that she couldn't believe her "four-legged daughter was getting a three-legged dog." My mother was not much of a dog-lover, but Cassie was determined my mother was going to give her attention and that my mother was going to accept Cassie's love. She would sneak a quick "kiss" in now and then, much to my mother's dislike.

It hurts me to see her "failing." She still wants to do what she is supposed to and it upsets her so if she has an "accident in the house." I do love her and want her here as long as possible. People say how lucky she was to have been adopted by me, but I am the lucky one to have had her "adopt" me. We are a good match - - both move slower these days and must deal with increased pain. But she is still my protector - even if she does bark at a stranger and then hide behind me. She is a joy; she makes me laugh..........and the thought of not having her makes me cry.

If it was easy....

My partner in M2W2 is obviously enjoying herself to no end in writing these daily posts...NOT! But it is already beginning to work for the site. By building up a body of work, by creating this constant stream of information, it validates and sustains the project as well as demonstrating to future visitors that we are real life human beings, not some faceless corporation looking to get their cash any way they can.

The whole LonelyGirl fiasco over at Youtube is an indication of how far the commercial world can go to get to an audience, as well as demonstrating how blurred the lines are between reality and fiction. Lonely girl's time ran out because it was fiction - but it still ran for many months.

I believe that online "Digital Reputation" will be measured in many ways - but one of the key ones will be in how long an entity has been blogging - and then what is the content. The blog doesn't exists to sell a product - it exists to reassure the customer that there are real people behind a website - and although you can't see them - you can see that they are living and experiencing the world the same way they are - and that makes for a far more empathetic environment - one in which I believe that the consumer will feel more comfortable in buying from us.

So - my friend - having been in the loop for a few weeks now - you have already created a body of work!! - Which is great - I do believe that it will get easier - but it will take months of doing this - like anything - if it was easy - everyone would be doing it!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

When is it going to kick in?

I started writing these blogs several weeks ago with the promise that in a few months I would become better at it and it would be more enjoyable. I trust that I was told the truth about this question is, when is the change going to start?

So far, I don't enjoy it any more than I ever did. And, I haven't seen the creativity appear yet! I'm sure the problem lies with me - - to become "more" creative, you have to have some creativity to begin with. Words don't come easily to me - written words that is and I haven't found it any easier to think of something to say in these things.

In order for blogging to be a help in marketing this business venture, I know that what I write has to be interesting and something that will catch people's attention. Will I suddenly one day start to write and magical thoughts and words flow from my fingers? Or will I have a major revelation that I have become capable of writing about our website and our music in a manner to draw listeners and buyers, so much so that I will want to rush to the computer hardly able to wait to start putting words to paper......or screen, as it is? What will it feel like to become creative or unleash any creativity that might be lurking deep inside me?

I don't imagine any of those things will happen - if it happens at all the way it is supposed to. But since I trust the person who urged me to do this, I'll just keep on and ..........will wait!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

What a ...............

I just spent about 45 minutes writing for today. Nothing fantastic or earth-shattering, but I wrote it. As it has been doing more frequently these days, my computer froze up, shut down, and it was lost. It is difficult enough to write it once, no way I'm going to try to re-write it!!................Tomorrow!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Beautiful music............

I am listening to a new musical piece composed and recorded by my partner in Music2Work2. This beautiful music is so calming and soothing. I have had a difficult time over the past week or so trying to make a decision about my future and determine what direction my life will take.

One thing this music helps me know for sure is that I am devoted to doing as much as I can to make this business venture a success. This music, this talent, needs to be shared with and experienced by everyone. It will make a difference in their lives in a number of ways.

Music is one of the great pleasures in life for me, like viewing a beautiful sunset, or majestic mountains with their brilliant colors in the fall. These things feed my soul and enrich my life.

One of the unique qualities of this music is that it can be listened to and focused on, filling your being with joy and hope and peace. It can also be playing in the background while you are focusing on a task rather than specifically on the music itself and yet it still brings the positive feelings and pleasure to the time at your task.

This artist is an amazing talent. I am so very glad that he and his music are a part of my life. His friendship and his musical talent enrich my life and bring me joy. I am honored to be able to play a part in sharing his great talent with the world.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I am so confused, I just cannot write tonight. I was conflicted last night as to what to do with another situation. And, tonight, I am even more so. My head and common sense are telling me one thing; my heart and soul are telling me another. I don't know what to do. I can't think straight. I can't write tonight.

Monday, September 18, 2006

How do you know when the right time is to break the news to someone that you are leaving? If you tell them too soon, then you have to suffer their anger and resentment until the event takes place. If you wait until the last minute, then you appear irresponsible and have left them in a bad situation.

I don't know when to tell the other organization I do volunteer work for that I am leaving. I just cannot put up with the pettiness, disrespect and abuse I have had to endure over the past year. It doesn't get any better - only worse. Every day I find myself feeling angry, used and unappreciated.

Unfortunately, I feel too great a sense of responsibility to just leave them in the lurch, but I don't know how to exit responsibly. I have to have someone to replace me in the job I am doing. That really shouldn't be my problem, but it is. If someone isn't doing the job, the whole thing falls apart. But, I can't find a replacement.

It feels like I keep getting in deeper and deeper. I don't like deceit; I want to be honest and up-front about my decision to leave, but I don't know that I have the strength to endure the consequences. I am really in a quandry as to how to handle this whole situation.

I have put most of my life into doing this job for several years now. I have given and given until I don't have anything left to give. There are a few people involved who I have become very fond of; I don't want to hurt them and it makes me sad to leave them. But, for my sanity and my self-esteem I have to go! I wish there was a simple solution.

Friday, September 15, 2006

My big frustration today has been incompetency or negligence. I'm not exactly sure which is it, but people who do a job and could care less whether they do it correctly.

After spending (charging, rather) $600 + to get a new compressor installed in my van, I find out today that a belt was put on incorrectly, so not only was the belt chewed to pieces but had become wrapped around the fan. Hopefully the fan was not damaged. But, all this happened because the person working on the compressor had not checked his work or test driven the van to make sure everything was ok. Because of his incompetency, my plans for the evening were ruined; I had to buy a new belt and my nephew spent his time putting it on, so that I can use my van over the weekend.

I intend to present the bill for the new belt to the person who did the original work, along with my displeasure at having to go through this and with his poor service, on Monday. Just the need to take the time to do that, infuriates me.

It seems more and more these days that so many people do a job, just to get it done. They take no pride in what they do or care whether they are giving the customer their money's worth. It's no skin off their nose if the job is done incorrectly, the customer is inconvenienced, incurs more cost - - nothing matters except that they go through the motions of doing their job, put in the eight hours or whatever is required and get their money. No concern if they do a half-assed job!

I think part of this comes from the selfishness and self-centeredness of human beings. Some people seem to never give thought to the fact that their actions or inactions may affect someone else, much less affect them adversely. We pollute the air and water, construct substandard buildings, roads and bridges, because we never stop to think that our actions have an effect on other human beings, effects that could be fatal. The important factor today is money - - as long as you are getting money for what you do, cut corners, do shoddy work, use poor quality materials, get through the job as quickly as you can so you can get on to the next job and the next - the money adding up!

Money is important - essential to life. I would like to have more of it myself. But when it replaces value and concern for the well-being of other human beings, there is something extremely wrong!

Although I'm sure I shouldn't let this kind of thing bother me to the extent that it does, this experience with my van has not only made me angry and frustrated, it has ruined my whole day!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

New project

I am here earlier tonight, even though the rain did stop today. Unfortunately the pain doesn't diminish as soon as the rain stops. It is still damp and everything is soggy so we need a few days of sun in order to dry things out.

I am excited about the new project we are about to undertake with Music2Work2 - creating a podcast. I don't have an ipod and am not up on the whole thing; my partner in Music2Work2 has been wonderful about explaining things to me like this that I am so ignorant about.

Each step we take in this venture is exciting and the prospects are endless. With a new look in the works for our website and the podcast, things are looking good. I am a rather impatient person, so it is a little difficult for me to wait for things to happen. But, things are happening, slowly and surely, which I suppose is the best way.

One would think that I would be more patient, having spent so much of my life "waiting" for bones to heal and to recuperate from surgeries. But, I think it actually has made me more impatient because all those times feel like wasted time.

With this music venture, I know we have to take things one step at a time. We are both in this venture for the long haul, committed to stick with it until it is no longer fun. I am glad to be a part of it and to be working with my friend. I can't imagine the fun in that ever coming to an end!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Rain, rain, go away.........

The rain has been pouring down since early evening yesterday. Pools of water are standing everywhere and there is flooding in areas prone to that. Thank goodness, I don't live in an area where there are floods.

The rain or dampness increases the amount of pain I have everywhere by about 100%. Tonight I had to do a chat session for the organization in which I do volunteer work. It ended up being an extremely long session and my fingers, wrists, arms and shoulders are killing me.

I should have done this writing earlier in the day, because now, the pain is too severe for me to do it. But, rather than writing nothing at all and just skipping today, I wanted to at least make an attempt to write "something." If only my body would cooperate and allow me to fulfill the commitments I make and do the things I want to do!

So, as short as it is, this is my writing effort for today. I don't know the forecast for tomorrow but one thing I know for sure - if the rain continues, I'll do this writing earlier in the day before my pain level increases to the point that I am physically unable to do it. My body just cannot stand anymore additional pain tonight.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I am still working on sending emails to college radio stations to try to get them to play our music. During this process, I came across the radio station from the college I attended. Boy, did that bring back the memories. Many of them were difficult to think about but some were thoughts of exciting, enjoyable times.

I never had even given thought to attending college; I missed 2 years of high school due to a broken leg that would not heal. So, I figured if I couldn't even go to high school, I certainly couldn't go to college. However, the homebound teacher I had knew of a college, one of only three in the country at that time, that was barrier free - every building and every part of the campus was accessible by wheelchair. Actually this teacher's brother attended this college, even though he had no physical problems.

That was back in the days when I was so shy and felt so badly about myself that I hardly even talked. I had friends, probably more from their initiative then mine, but I did have other people that I did things with and had fun with.

The worst part during those years, I think, was the internal pain I suffered. I had such low self-esteem and was so embarrassed by the way I looked, that I allowed myself to miss out on so much. There were quite a few handicapped students there during my four years; but they all seemed to deal with their handicaps better than I did. For the most part, I was less visibly handicapped - I walked with a limp but most of the others were in wheelchairs, many with no use of their arms or legs. And yet, I seemed to be the most "emotionally handicapped" by my appearance and limitations. My main wish or desire, at that time was to be "normal." Now, who knows what "normal" is, especially among college students in the late '60s. But I just wanted to be like everyone else - which in itself is abnormal thinking for a college student.

I let a lot of opportunities pass me by, opportunities which could have changed the entire rest of my life. But, I suppose things happen for a reason and there is no point in regretting the past. The valuable or profitable use of such memories is to learn from them so that these current years won't be full of the regrets of the past.

Monday, September 11, 2006

This being the 5th anniversary of the terrorist attacks in NY, DC and PA, the news programs have been filled with retelling and reliving the horrible experiences of so many and the needless loss of so many lives. I suppose it is important to, I know it is important to remember an event like this, to remember the ones who died and the ones who worked so heroically to save others. But, I believe the media does go overboard with events of this and even lesser magnitude.

I think about the family and loved ones of people who lost their lives that day. I can't stand to watch all the video from the actual disaster or listen to the last words of the victims through radio or phone. I can't imagine how painful it must be for someone to watch or hear it who felt the impact of that horrible day on a personal level.

With all the disaster movies, horror films and the audiences they attract, I wonder what that says about people in today's society. Isn't there enough horror just in everyday living without wanting to watch it over and over again as entertainment?

It saddens and angers me when there is a terrible automobile accident on a highway and the traffic moving in the opposite direction backs up and gets tied up from onlookers in the other lanes. Are they hoping to see blood and gore? Are they merely curious?

I have experienced many losses and much grief in my lifetime. Anniversary dates of the losses are often still painful times for me. It may make me feel good that my family or friend meant enough to others that they also remember the anniversary of their death and tell me that they do. But, while it is important to recognize that this day changed life for this country and everyone in it, I think the media could do a better job of respecting the people who were affected by this day the most and allow them to grieve or get through this anniversary in the manner that is best for them.

Friday, September 08, 2006

An old dog and new tricks

My partner in Music2Work2 was showing me another project he is working on and telling me how it will also bring about changes to our web site. It is amazing; I can't wait for it to be applied to Music2Work2.

I hope by the time the website has it's new look, I have my new abilities to post blogs that will encourage other people to visit the site. There is so much of the technical stuff I don't know. It has only been a few years since I learned how to actually do things other than use the computer as a word processor. Thanks to my dear friend and now partner in this venture, I learned to add pages to web sites, learned some html language - - things 5 or 6 years ago I never imagined I would be able to do.

I am very fortunate that he is a patient teacher. At 58 years old, to now be learning to upload clips on music sites, to burn CDs, to make the cover and label for the CDs, is not the typical learning activities of the average person my age. Most younger people have been using computers for years and know the "language" and are up on the latest technology. So much of all this is still so foreign to me! The people my age who know all this, more than likely learned it long ago; they didn't wait until this stage of their lives to have to try to learn and catch up on it.

I do consider it quite an accomplishment to have learned as much about the computer, Internet usage, digital music technology and online business as I have. The adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" could be pretty applicable in my case in a lot of ways. My memory is not very good anymore, so it takes me longer to learn things. And that dear old companion, "fear," makes it so much harder. But, I know that when I really want to do something, there is a stubbornness about me that makes me keep trying - determined that this old dog will learn something new.

I developed a stubbornness as I was growing up when people told me I couldn't do something - that because of my physical condition and limitations, I wasn't able to do things. When told that, I was more determined than ever to prove them wrong.

Although stubbornness has been an advantage for me in a lot of ways, it has been a hindrance in so many others. For example, I walked on crutches far too many years and destroyed my shoulder joints because I was too stubborn to give in or give up and use a wheelchair. Now I am paying the price with more severe pain.

But without being tenacious and stubborn, I would never have gone to college or graduate school; I would never have traveled to places around the country by myself; I would never have gotten involved in the organization in which I met my partner in Music2Work2; and I would not be learning more and more about computers, online business and digital music technology. In those ways, it has served me well. After all, wouldn't you expect stubbornness from a Taurus!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

So much despair......

Well, again I'm about to let the day end without having written anything. Today has been a very frustrating day!

I have spent most of the day on the telephone. Some days, mostly on weekends, the phone doesn't ring once. Today, I hardly had a chance to hang up before it rang again. In the other volunteer work I do, people wanting information is just part of the job. I don't mind answering their questions when I can and many of them are very interesting to talk to.

Unfortunately, most everyone else who has this disorder I do, has problems on top of problems. Some of the situations are so horrible it nearly breaks my heart to hear the experiences and situations they have been through. My life has been bad in a lot of ways, but talking to some of these people, I realize how very lucky I am.

Yesterday and today so many of the phone calls have just been people needing someone to talk to - to vent to. I can certainly understand the need for that; goodness knows I have vented to my friend and partner often enough. But, it is the ones who keep asking "why?" that are the most taxing for me. I've gone through some of that myself, wondering why my life has been one of pain and frustrations, limitations and loneliness. But to have others, in great despair, ask me over and over for hours on the phone, why people don't understand their conditions, why the health care system is so messed up in this country, why doctors won't listen to them, why, why, why..............exhaustes me both physically and emotionally. I wish I had answers for the "whys" and I wish I could do something to make things better for them. But all I can do is listen and sympathize.

It probably sounds mean and uncaring to admit that a day of that kind of phone calls takes such a toll on me. I'm not uncaring........maybe I care too much. I can identify with a lot of their anguish, so it angers me and frustrates me that situations for people with this disorder is like it is. It is probably also good for me in that it does make me appreciate the life I had growing up and the one I have today. My childhood was far from perfect, but I at least had loving parents who did the best they could to take care of their child with the strange medical problems. I have a roof over my head and certainly more food than I need. I have friends that care about me, family members to help me when I need it.

I am sad and exhausted from the phone calls and despair of people I have talked to, but at the same time, I feel very fortunate to have the life I have.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I have been listening to some new music composed by my partner in Music2Work2. I have practically worn out the cds of his music that I have had for a while. Such beautiful music!

It is totally amazing to me how someone is able to have the creative ability to go through the same process over and over and have the results come out differently. The notes or keys to be played are the same every time, and I know they are not played in the same order or at the same tempo, but how is the sound, the feeling, the mood, different each time.

I've never tried to compose music but I think if I came up with an original melody that would be all I could think of every time I attempted to compose something else. Kind of like when a song gets stuck in your head and for the rest of the day, that's all you think of or hear!

This exercise in writing is an attempt to enable me to be more creative. I don't have new and different ideas. I have never been able to easily come up with solutions to problems or situations. I spent months thinking of all the problems I would encounter when I had to start using a wheelchair - how would I go out a door and be able to close it behind me? How would I be able to walk the dog? How would I be able to cook my meals? I could think of a million problems but not the solutions. I only knew how to do things the way I had always done them and the way I saw others do them - the normal, acceptable way.

Thank goodness I had people around me to help with the solutions. In most cases, left on my own to figure those kinds of things out, I would probably had spent the rest of my life inside my house being miserable and hating the world!

I have been reading about developing creativity. Most of the time I feel like I have never had an original thought in my life. I saw a quote again tonight that I'm sure explains the major part of my problem, "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail."

Throughout my life, my actions and my thinking have been determined by my fear of failure. I have been afraid of looking foolish, or sounding stupid, so I haven't allowed myself to be original or even have original thoughts. The fear that whatever came out of me would not be acceptable to everyone else has prevented my willingness to try. So risking failure, even though a terrifying thing, is something I realize that I am going to have to do in situations other than just writing this blog. But, this is a beginning.

Partners are a wonderful.....

Having a partner is definitely a wonderful thing – there are of course many different types of “Partner“ and I am grateful to have one in this endeavor.

At a recent songwriting session in San Clemente, we were discussing the concept of courage, and as far as I understand it – it is the act of doing something, even though you are afraid.

It’s 1:17 in the morning, and I can’t sleep – I didn’t sleep at all last night either. It’s an old trick I use, and I wish I didn’t. There are a billion things running around my head that are stopping me from sleeping – which sucks, because the next day…I’m tired and less able to deal with the things that are keeping me awake...and so the cycle continues.

I’m listening to the development of Wendi’s original theme – hadn’t played it in a long time – I’m feeling very good about the direction Music2Work2 is moving in. The music is coming along and I am beginning to develop old themes on the Triton – they are coming off very fresh. I am looking forward to multi-tracking – but I took the decision not to upgrade the computer until the Kelli site is launched. I also had a chat today with somebody who recommended I move to Midi – and I completely agree – but I have this “thing” about manuals and technology.

I absolutely admit that I find the whole thing about wave forms, midi channels, and sends and feeds – alarmingly scary – and yet I know I just have to bloody do it – and – all I have to do is just bloody do it – I don’t know what is stopping me – at least, what is stopping me from preparing for it…?

I look at my friend, and she is doing something that she hates doing – and that gives me courage. She is doing it, not shirking it, not coming up with excuses, but actually doing it, I take strength and indeed courage from that.

Thank You!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Writing against the clock!

I've almost let the day go by and haven't written anything yet. I wish I could think of something really interesting to write or something that is amusing or entertaining. But...........unfortunately I don't have that ability.....yet. It would be nice if doing this makes that possible.

In trying to get some of the "legalities" taken care of for Music2Work2, the thing that strikes me most is how unnecessarily difficult agreements and contracts are. It is amazing that all the legal paperwork required in society these days is ever completed properly. I sometimes think the IRS, for instance, makes tax forms and laws as confusing as possible. I don't know if they assume they will come out "to the good" because of it or just what the reasoning is.

Often it is difficult to know which of several different forms is the proper one to use in doing some of this stuff and actually, there is hardly any difference in the forms to start with. For the Copyright registration, not only could it possibly be either of two forms that were correct, but there were also instructions that had to be followed as to how the pages were copied - back to back, top to top.

Life itself is confusing enough without instructions and directions for filing forms, installing a computer program or putting together some "unassembled" item being impossible to understand. Maybe it's just all the brain cells I've lost over the years to anesthesia and medication that makes this kind of thing so difficult for me. Maybe other people don't find it a problem!

Almost made it before the clock struck midnight. Now I guess I'll have to write two times on, joy!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Finding the joy

After hearing about the death of the "Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin, I have thought a lot about how he seemed to love life - to be so excited about life. He may not have actually been as enthusiastic about life as he appeared to be, but everything seemed to be an adventure and it appeared he lived life to the fullest.

I wish I had some of the exuberance for life that he seemed to have. A big part of my life I see as just drudgery - just something I have to get through. I wish I could approach each day with a sense of adventure, with the desire to make the most of every minute, to learn and experience new things, to experience life as joy.

Probably because of my medical problems, it has been difficult for me to see life as an adventure. It has been more of a sense of dread, of wondering what bad thing is going to happen next. I have never been an optimistic person. I think it was a way of protecting myself to never expect too much good to happen. At least if you don't have high expectations, you can't be too disappointed when things go badly. What an awful way to live your life!

I have had times of joy in my life but as a whole, the pain outweighs the joy. I have an awful lot to be thankful for and I realize that. I just wish life seemed more exciting to me than it does most of the time. With more than half my life over, if I am going to find the joy and adventure in life it has to be soon. I don't want to fight crocodiles but I would just like to stop fighting myself. I am stuck too deeply in reality and in fear to allow myself to look for adventure, to risk experiencing the joy.

Becoming involved in this music venture has been like taking a baby step in that direction. Occasionally I even allow myself a glimpse of the adventure my life could be. I just have to keep taking those baby steps, I suppose, until I am able to run or rather roll full-steam ahead to find the adventures and the joy. I have to stop being afraid to even risk seeing my life differently and to allow myself to hope for it. Fear is a very powerful thing! Fear in one form or another has been my companion throughout my existence. Some of the causes of fear have changed over time, others have remained constant. Those are the most powerful and most destructive ones.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I have put off doing this all day - I don't have anything to say. It was so tempting to just "skip" today but I was afraid, like I was told, that skipping one day becomes two, then three, a week and then it stops completely.

This is our third day of rain from the hurricane. As badly as the rain is needed by the lawns, gardens, doesn't help me or my mood at all. Rainy days depress me; rainy days intensify my pain which depresses me. This time of year it makes me think about and dread the days of winter that are not so far around the corner. We don't actually seem to have seasons anymore - - we go from burning hot weather to freezing cold. It is a little easier to adjust to if you can "ease into it" with the crisp, cool weather of fall and the bright, chilly weather of spring. But it has actually been years since we have experienced 4 distinct seasons here.

September and October are sad months for me. Some of the major losses I have experienced have occured in those two months. My father died in September; gosh, that was so many years ago - - 24! And, my sister was killed by a drunk driver on Halloween, even longer ago than that - 42 years ago. Funny how memories like that stay so clear in your mind for all these years. I wish I could remember things I read, heard or did yesterday half as well as I do those two events. Although the feelings associated with the memories have become different over the years, I guess the memories are burned into your life to the point that they are there forever.

Well, not three pages, but this will have to do. At least it's something - - such as it is, it's something!