Frustration

I guess I hold other people at too high a standard; I really don't expect more out of anyone else than I do from myself. But, I am constantly frustrated and disappointed. People make commitments - -knowing full-well what they are committing to do, and then don't follow through. I know there are times I am not able to do what I say I will, but if I make a commitment, I really do try to carry it out. If for some reason I can't, I feel so guilty about it I can hardly stand it until I've done it.

In an organization in which I volunteer, the disappointment and frustration is practically a daily occurence. Reports were due from other volunteers a month ago. Although most of them did turn in the reports - some late but not too late - some I have just heard nothing from. The reports are not a new thing; it's not like they haven't been having to do them for years now, but some people just seem to ignore the fact that they are required.

Sometimes I think I wish I could be so care-free - not caring about what I do or say I will do --- never worrying about it or caring if I let someone down. I wonder how it would feel to be able to do only what I want to do, to not care what others think about me or the fact that I am not doing what I am "supposed" to do. I wonder how it would feel to do nothing but what is fun and enjoyable for me. Other people seem to live that way - - why can't I?

I guess I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. I cared too much that they stared at me because I look different; I cared too much that they saw that I couldn't do some things that others can. I let that make me so miserable and shy and afraid. So, I tried to be perfect in what I could do, doing what was expected of me, what would be satisfying to other people and let other people dictate what that was.

I don't allow others to decide things for me as much as I did, but I still allow what others expect of me and think about me to have too much power. That is part of what makes doing these blogs so hard. What would anyone reading this think of me - - if they knew that sometimes I want to be irresponsible, or worse.

Just occured to me that I am writing this because I made a committment to do it, so in a way, I guess I'm still letting someone else tell me what I should do. But this is different. I am doing this because I said I would, but I said I would because I want the change that is supposed to come from it. I want to be a better contributor to the success of Music2Work2. I want it to be a success........such a success that I will eventually be able to live that life of doing what I want to do and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Such a success that desires and wishes - for a swimming pool, a grand piano, a home overlooking the ocean, a new life, a wheelchair that climbs stairs - can come true. My commitment to this is actually a selfish act....but also an act of caring and I hope of giving.

Try again.

What a terrible night I had! The extra pain and the fact that I couldn't "turn off" my mind, made it impossible for me to sleep. I never sleep very well, but usually I just use the time to work at the computer. Sitting being more painful, last night I couldn't even do that.

It is a sad and lonely feeling being awake while you know most everyone else is sleeping - getting the rest that you will need so badly the next day. Something about the darkness and the quietness of night makes you feel so alone.

My mind kept jumping from one thing to another - things I need to do, things I want to do, things I would like to do but for one reason or another can't. When there is nothing in particular occupying my mind, I think of all the regrets I have. I wasted such a major portion of my life not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I disliked who I "thought" I was so much that instead of doing what I could, although limited, I did nothing. Living with EDS, not even knowing that was what was causing all my medical problems, had such a detrimental effect on me and my feelings about myself.

When I lie awake at night, for some reason the most difficult times are the ones that I keep going over and over in my mind. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the things I have again, but if I could get some of those years back I would do things so differently. At least I think I would, I hope I would.

Having been so afraid that I was going to have to have surgery again, I guess has made all this kind of thing foremost in my mind. Thank goodness it now looks less like that will have to happen. I don't know how I could physically or mentally handle having to go through more surgery. I don't know how may operations I have had - many, many years ago I stopped counting.......it was 25 then. It was too depressing to keep count of the number. I should be sleeping well and feeling well knowing that surgery is less of a possibility now. It is not ruled out completely; if I don't get better in a few weeks, I'll have to see the doctor again, but at least my mind is relieved for the moment.

So, I need to try to stop worrying about that now; there are plenty of other things to worry about. I need to make the best use of the time I have right now..........it's this stinking pain that prevents it.

I hate having to write something on here, but I said I would and I'll keep trying. It's like taking nasty-tasting medicine or doing something very unpleasant.....I wanted to get it over with for the day as soon as possible. I just hope forcing myself to do this will work the way it is supposed to - - - I'm counting on it!!!!!

Okay, A, this is for you!

I had a long talk with a friend earlier today reminding me how important blogging is in the popularity of a web site. I know that; I just do not like to write. I don't like to try to put words down on paper - or screen, as it is.

Most of my early life, I didn't even talk much. I was so extremely shy that I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I certainly didn't speak up in school. For a lot of different reasons, over the years I was able to change that. It's almost like once I started talking it's now hard to shut me up! I still have trouble expressing feelings to most people but I can talk all day about some subjects.

I have a fear or trepidation about revealing thoughts and feelings that someone will later read. I have never been able to journal because of that. I think about what the person, family member, whomever, would think to find a journal and read what I had written - even after I'm no longer on this earth. There are just too many things about myself that I wouldn't want to share with another person.

Part of the problem with writing is that I don't feel that I have anything to say that would be of interest to another person. I have had a very unusual life and people have said to me that I should write a book. How ridiculous.......why would anybody want to read about all the awful things I have been through in my life time? Except for the horrible parts, nothing else about it has even been interesting.

I'm not an expert on anything and I know less about everything now than I did years ago. I want to be a significant partner in Music2Work2 but if that depends on being able to write blogs that will draw people to our web site, I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. Maybe, like I am told, it will get easier. Maybe, like talking, I'll someday get to the point that it's hard to stop me from writing - to shut me up. Right now, though, I can't imagine that happening. But, I'll keep trying. I'll keep typing with fear and trepidation...........because it is important that I be able to write.

Contacting College Radio continues

Continuing with the task of contacting College Radio Stations and sending out demo CDs of Music 2 Work 2. It's exciting to think about hearing our music played on radio stations all across the country.

Marketing to College Radio Stations

Currently, I am focusing on sending emails to college radio stations to introduce Music2Work2 and offer to send a CD. I had no idea there were so many college radio stations!

Technical problem solved

Just as an update -
after a short period of technical problems preventing the purchase of Music 2 Work 2 sessions on our website, they are again available. Free music to listen to and download have remained available on Music2Work2.com, but once again the longer music sessions can be purchased. Guess a technical problem now and then, while frustrating, is inevitable.

Back.....finally!

After a long break due to other obligations, I am back to write about the marketing of Music 2 Work 2. com. The focus at the moment is to check out Internet radio stations and send demo CDs to ones on which Music 2 Work 2 music sessions would be appropriate additions. The hard part is waiting for a response to hear if our music will be aired.

Dude we Soooo got our first check today!!!!!!........

..sorry - too long in So.Cal!

;-)