Finding the joy

After hearing about the death of the "Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin, I have thought a lot about how he seemed to love life - to be so excited about life. He may not have actually been as enthusiastic about life as he appeared to be, but everything seemed to be an adventure and it appeared he lived life to the fullest.

I wish I had some of the exuberance for life that he seemed to have. A big part of my life I see as just drudgery - just something I have to get through. I wish I could approach each day with a sense of adventure, with the desire to make the most of every minute, to learn and experience new things, to experience life as joy.

Probably because of my medical problems, it has been difficult for me to see life as an adventure. It has been more of a sense of dread, of wondering what bad thing is going to happen next. I have never been an optimistic person. I think it was a way of protecting myself to never expect too much good to happen. At least if you don't have high expectations, you can't be too disappointed when things go badly. What an awful way to live your life!

I have had times of joy in my life but as a whole, the pain outweighs the joy. I have an awful lot to be thankful for and I realize that. I just wish life seemed more exciting to me than it does most of the time. With more than half my life over, if I am going to find the joy and adventure in life it has to be soon. I don't want to fight crocodiles but I would just like to stop fighting myself. I am stuck too deeply in reality and in fear to allow myself to look for adventure, to risk experiencing the joy.

Becoming involved in this music venture has been like taking a baby step in that direction. Occasionally I even allow myself a glimpse of the adventure my life could be. I just have to keep taking those baby steps, I suppose, until I am able to run or rather roll full-steam ahead to find the adventures and the joy. I have to stop being afraid to even risk seeing my life differently and to allow myself to hope for it. Fear is a very powerful thing! Fear in one form or another has been my companion throughout my existence. Some of the causes of fear have changed over time, others have remained constant. Those are the most powerful and most destructive ones.